


Second Puberty

by enbyinaband



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Arguing, Asexual Character, Bonding, Brotherly Love, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Heart-to-Heart, Homophobic Language, Hormones, M/M, Moving Out, Name Changes, Nonbinary Character, Other, Packing, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Skips, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, binding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 06:29:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19458286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbyinaband/pseuds/enbyinaband
Summary: Deceit's name is Denver I this fic, fight me





	Second Puberty

**Author's Note:**

> Deceit's name is Denver I this fic, fight me

Going by multiple names in different groups caused more dissonance between identity and mentality, yet it was a way to survive in an uncertain environment. While away at college, Remus was the only name he heard, yet he was expected to come home every break in the semester and was forced through the gut-wrenching pain of hearing his birth name of Reagan, the dutiful daughter he clearly was not. 

Summers were the worst: he could not stay I just binder for long and baggy layers were not an option. And he dare not wear a mascara painted moustache for fear of forgetting it was there and catching his parents, let alone his brother, off guard since none of them were aware. Instead he resigned to wearing briefs and tight black skinny jeans to hold a four inch packer in place, wearing tops that accentuated curves he desperately wanted to hide, wearing a larger than average Slytherin shirt whenever he could to feel somewhat comfortable. If it weren't for his boyfriend checking in he would not be able to handle the dysphoria, smiling softly at the words he wanted to commit to memory when away from the cell phone. Today was not one where he could handle it even with Denver's constant reminders.

Den🐍: _Rem, my handsome boy, are you alright?_

_If I get called 'girl' one more time, I'm gonna off myself._

Den🐍: _Please don't talk like that, baby boy…_

_Sorry, I just- I wish I didn't have to pretend. Like they'll ever get it._

Den🐍: _Can you talk to Roman?_

_Thinking 'bout it…_

"Sis?"

Instant sucker punch to the gut, Remus took in a shallow breath as he got into the mindset. Sending a quick goodbye with an emoji blowing a heart he gave a half-hearted 'yeah?' signalling that the slightly older one could come in, sitting up on an elbow from where he laid on a disheveled, sparkly comforter.

"Gpin' on a snack run, figured you'd wanna get out of the house."

"God, yes."

"Alright, I'll wait for you in the car."

"Why? Just gotta grab my wallet."

"You don't want to change clothes?" he asked with an eyebrow raised, gesturing vaguely, "I can't be seen with a Slytherin!"

"Will you ever swallow your pride? Let's go already."

Sharing in a playful fit of eye rolls and elbows to the sides the twins were soon on their way to a nearby minimart a few blocks over. Slinking away unnoticed, Remus went toward a cooler to pick out a raspberry tea flavored Monster and a bag of candy circus peanuts, chewing his lip in contemplation before grabbing a bag of jelly beans too. Making his way to the front counter a jolt if uncertainty at hearing how formal the cashier sounded after each customer, knowing that the peach fuzz slowly growing on his chin was not enough to be gendered correctly 

"Find everything alright?"

"I did," he stated softly, watching with bated breath as the items were scanned, inserting his debit card into a designated slot before grabbing an offered plastic bag, "I don't need my receipt."

"Have a good rest of your day, ma'am."

There it was, the binary that bound everything to a life of expectations based on stereotypes. Musing the word 'sir' under his breath he stood a few inches away from Roman as he paid, unaware of an incoming passer-by, let alone someone he was familiar.

"Oh, hello Remus! Didn't expect to see you here."

An icy shudder squeezed a stomach with uneasiness; if only he could make an ice pick out of it and perform an individual lobotomy. It was rare that intrusive thoughts unsettled him, but right now he could not believe how extreme of a measure it would go even if this situation gave a valid excuse for his darker thoughts to surface. There was no way Roman had not heard the cheery tone, "H-Hey Patton, fancy seeing you here."

"Had to get a few things for Virgil's allergies."

"Ah, I'm out with my brother," the younger one stated simply, "Ro, this is one of my college friends."

"Nice to meet you!"

"Likewise."

"Well, it was nice running into you."

"Same. Tell Virge I say hi."

"Will do!"

Left alone with his sibling nerves only tangled tighter as the awkward air around them grew on their way into the parking lot. Expressing emotions while on testosterone, even for a few months, was hard enough but right now he wanted to repress the incoming tears, setting the sack between bent legs in the floorboard without making eye contact as the engine revved back to life. Would this finally be the moment to actually jump out of a moving vehicle?

"So… You wanna tell me why you go by another name?"

"Not really."

"I won't tell mom and dad."

Silence. As much as he hated it, Remus let this drag on as the only sounds came from. passing cars. Dangerously a mind wandered to all the possibilities that could get him out of such a mess: he could easily chug his energy drink and let his heart burst, or choke himself out by using the nearby window, or-

"We're not going home till you talk."

"Ro, don't…"

"I know we haven't been close as of late, but I'm your brother," he remarked, pulling into a space at Sonic like they did every summer for ice cream, "You're not alone."

About to argue at that, Remus recognized that a black ring was worn around the other's middle finger, trying to process this new information as an order was made. He had known Roman was attracted to other men, they had gone on a double date to the carnival last spring break with their respective partners, but had not expected him to have a lack of sexual attraction with how flirtatious he came across.

"Surprised?"

"A little, sorry."

"We both are," Roman remarked, pausing to pay the server who skated over with their milkshakes, making sure she was out of earshot before going on, "You and Logan are the only two who know for now."

"How is he taking it?"

"Really well, he's so supportive. Does Denver know…?"

"Yup, came out to him after our first serious date," Remus explained after spooning out a pink blob with a chunk of cheesecake, "He has non-binary parents, so he's used to that."

For a while they both sat with these newfound parts of each other while eating the fast melting desserts. For lack of better words, Remus reached over to twine a cold hand with the other, softly squeezing it to let him know that nothing was wrong before letting go to take another bite, "I've wanted to tell you, I was convinced you'd cut me off."

"Well, I'm not gonna," Roman confirmed after a sip from his own shake, "Do you want me to call you Remus?"

"More than anything. But not at home, not until I come out to them."

"'Course. Would it help if I was there when you did?"

"For sure," he stated with a scoff that was met with an odd look, "Can't imagine they'll take too kindly to me getting on hormones or filing legal paperwork behind their backs."

"Reag-Remus!"

"Nice save, bro."

That conversation seemed so far away in the weeks that followed, yet it served as a constant reminder that it needed to be confronted. After many attempts that were not followed through, he slunk into the family room after Roman had sent a message saying that they were already gathered, trying his best not to tuck tail and play it off as odd mannerisms he was prone to every so often.

"Look who decided to join us!" their mother greeted, motioning for him to come closer, "Everything alright, honey?"

"Kind of? I, uh, need to tell you something."

"You're not pregnant are you?"

"What?! No, Den and I… That's not the point."

"Well, what else could it be?"

Oh, how easy it would be to go out onto the patio and swan dive into the concrete underneath. If he landed at the right angle his neck would break. Shaking his head back and forth gently to dispel the tempting thought to focus, falling into an open couch cushion beside his brother for added comfort as he tried to get the words out, "Well… Technically there is a new person here."

"What're you talking about, Reagan?"

"Actually, I prefer going by Remus."

"That's not a proper lady's name."

"That's the point, I'm not one!"

Both adults were equally taken aback at the outburst from their normally quiet, yet quirky child, not knowing quite how to react. As a result, Remus started to retreat into an open arm, letting the feel of flowing fabric ground him to reality while he waited for a proper reaction to unfold.

"All girls hate their chest, sweetie."

"To the point of wanting to die if they're not removed?"

"Don't raise your voice," their father finally spoke, "Or be so dramatic, Reagan, that's your brother's job."

"His name is Remus."

"Roman, don't tell me you believe this."

"I do cos I actually took the time to listen to him."

"We don't need both of you back talking us. I swear-"

"Look, this transition is happening," the younger sibling interrupted, daring to stare them both down even if he was terrified, "I've been on testosterone for two months, I'm going to file for a case to change my name. Yeah, it'll take time for you to call me anything else, but I'm your son just as much as Roman is."

"You can't mean that…"

"I'm going to stay at Denver's. I'll be back for my things while you're at work tomorrow."

Taking trembling steps towards his room, numb to the shouting that denied his entire identity, for Roman continued to correct their wrong usage of name and pronouns. Sending a short text that confirmed he was ready to move in with his significant other a small, green backpack was thrown over the shoulder once his binder, medication, and a charger were thrown in, he returned to his brother's side once ready to leave.

"She'll change her mind." 

Those were the last words he would hear from their dad since he was still set in some conservative ways despite having a homosexual son. Their mother was somewhat of a different story since she was one to worry; their conversations were stagnant with the unresolved barrier between them that grew when he had sent a picture of an updated birth certificate. It was official: Remus Duke Lockhart.

"I'm proud of you, little brother."

"As am I, my love,* Denver declared as they left the courthouse for the final time, pressing a soft peck against a scruffy cheek, "You're the strongest man I've ever known."

He had struggled so much with self-acceptance even after moving on from the toxic family dynamic, soft smile unstable on his lips as he accepted the reaffirming words. He chose his friends and family that had accepted him regardless and it was quite a liberating experience now that he had learned to help his mind and trust his body as well. Realistically, his mother may never accept him fully even if he hoped otherwise, but either way self-acceptance was being obtained as a second puberty went at a practical rate with voice breaks, acne, and redistributed body fat all fully embraced.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed thys fic, please tip!:  
> PayPal.me/MordecaiRussell


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